We hear the term “boundaries” in a lot of conversations about parenting and about mental health. But too often, when parents attempt to create boundaries with their teenagers, what they are actually doing is setting rules. So, what’s the difference and why does it matter?

Rules are explicit guidelines or directives that set clear expectations for behavior. They are often non-negotiable and come with predefined consequences if broken. Basically, rules are a way to express what someone else is or isn’t allowed to do.

For example, a rule might be that curfew is at 10 p.m., and breaking this rule may result in the loss of privileges. This rule states clearly “this is the behavior that is required of you.” Rules tend to work because the parent has the power in this situation, and teens will comply to avoid the consequence. There is definitely a place for rules in our parenting, as they are especially valuable and important when it comes to ensuring our teen’s safety.

Boundaries, on the other hand, aren’t really about your teenager or their behavior. Boundaries are about YOU.  A boundary is a limit or expectation that you have for yourself and how you expect to be treated. Basically a boundary makes it clear to others what you will and won’t accept for yourself.

For example, you can set a boundary with your teens where you say “I don’t engage in conversations where I’m being yelled at or treated disrespectfully.” And to put that into practice, when your teen is upset or angry and starts talking to you in a way that you find unacceptable, you would simply state your boundary and say “I don’t allow people to talk to me that way. So maybe we can try again later.”

Of course, you can go about this a different way and demand respect by setting a rule like “You’re not allowed to talk to me that way and if you do, you’ll be grounded.” And that will work some of the time with some kids. But the message you're sending is that the only reason to be respectful is because there will be a consequence. I think most of us want our teens to learn something deeper than that.

When you use a boundary:
“I don’t allow or accept _________”

instead of a rule:

“You’re not allowed to do ___________”

you accomplish several things at once:

1. You protect your own peace and wellbeing.
2. You teach your teen how you expect to be treated.
3. You model for your teen how they can set boundaries with people in their own lives.

Boundaries are essential in parent-teen relationships. They allow teenagers to feel respected and heard, fostering an environment where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and experiences. Modeling healthy boundaries helps our teens learn how to set and express their own. They learn that even though they can’t control the behavior of others, they can make it clear how they want to be treated.

When it comes to parenting teenagers, finding the right balance between rules and boundaries is essential. Rules provide structure and safety, while boundaries create a framework for healthy relationships. By understanding the nuances of rules and boundaries, you can create an environment that supports your teenager's growth while maintaining a strong and trusting connection. Remember, it's not just about setting limits; it's about building a lifelong relationship with your teenager.